Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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