genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
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