last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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