As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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