new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
I look better un-naked...
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
