Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
