Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Randomize
