friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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