she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Randomize
