Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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