Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Randomize
