My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
video games are the ultimate cock blocker
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize