Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize