never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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