whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
