Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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