my vag is so smooth its legendary
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
