1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
