Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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