It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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