I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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