Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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