she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
