the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Everyone says I win the strip club
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
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