So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
