im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Can I color on your dick again?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
