I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
