I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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