so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
No idea how i never noticed that penis before. I wonder if it works
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Randomize
