I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize
