i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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