i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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