Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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