so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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