Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
