Your dad touched me again.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
