Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
