i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
We are taking shots for every green Lon-Capa box we get for the homework.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
