Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
