Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
