Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
