i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
