Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
