Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
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