My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Randomize
