Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
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