Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize