So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
