do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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