I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
