In the future we'll all be gay
Just fell off a train. Bad.
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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