it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
