Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
