I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Randomize
