So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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