no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
My life is pants optional.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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