I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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