your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
