I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
