I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
