I'm laying in your front yard are you home
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Randomize
