Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
