why didn't you poke me back
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
