he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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