Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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