You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
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