My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize