I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
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